And that’s exactly where our story begins.
Every night after the dinner rush, when the last plate of wings hit the table
and the AMI DJ swapped out playlists, Danny “Straight-Shot” Malone would step up
to
the Golden Tee machine like it was a sacred ritual. Customers gathered behind
him, pints in hand, as he lined up each virtual drive with the precision of a
surgeon and the swagger of a man who knew this machine better than it knew
itself.
He didn’t play Golden Tee — he conducted it.
Word spread. Scores climbed. Rumors started. Some said he once hit an 18 under
par… with one hand on the trackball. Others swore he whispered to the machine
before every round, negotiating with it like an old friend.
One night, after a particularly unreal 27-under that made the whole bar erupt,
two sharply dressed strangers approached Danny. Badges flashed. Credentials
unfolded.
The PGA Comes Knocking
They were from the PGA.
Apparently, someone high up in the chain had seen clips of Danny floating around
social media — a guy behind a bar in Wantagh demolishing Golden Tee courses with
superhuman precision. And with pro golf trying to “reach a younger audience,”
they had a wild idea:
Put Danny on tour. Not to caddy. Not to pour drinks. But to play — on a stage,
in front of millions — demonstrating the “future of golf-influenced esports.”
Danny stared at them. The bar stared at them. Even the Golden Tee machine seemed
to flicker in anticipation. He agreed to a tryout.
But just as he placed his hands on the trackball, he paused. Something felt off.
The ball was too smooth… too clean. The surface lacked the perfect, mysterious
layer of bar-grease and wing-sauce patina that he’d mastered over the years.
It reminded him of that old Seinfeld bit — George insisting a high score could
only be broken with the perfect amount of grease on the joystick. Without the
right feel, magic doesn’t happen.
Danny spun the trackball anyway. The shot sliced. The next hooked. On the third,
the ball didn’t even leave the virtual fairway.
The PGA reps looked disappointed. Danny shrugged, wiping his palms on his apron.
“Boys,” he said, “I’m not built for the tour. I’m built for the bar.”
A Legend Remains
A week later, a package arrived at Boss Crokers: a custom Golden Tee trackball,
engraved and polished, with a note from the PGA:
“If you ever change your mind, the tour is waiting.”
It’s still behind the bar today — not on the machine, but on a shelf, right next
to the jersey from the 2011 Wing-Eating Championship and the photo of Old Man
Reilly claiming he once beat Danny (he didn’t).
Danny still plays nightly. The crowds still gather. And the legend keeps
growing.
Because some heroes choose fame… and some choose the bar where everybody knows
their backswing.